What determines whether your marriage can be saved or NOT?
A divorce is a big decision and a life upheaval, when should we fight to save the marriage, and when should we let go?
A summer holiday where you suddenly are much together with your partner, can sometimes make the point clear.
Maybe you for some time have been dissatisfied with his partner. Perhaps you are experiencing not having anything in common with him, and you notice that you look different on children, money etc….
Sometimes it can develop into a disturbing feeling of emptiness, it becomes more and more upsetting and you begin to consider a divorce. We get divorced like never before.
Here are two therapists best suggestions on how to find out, if there is enough to build on – to save your marriage.
Do we struggle enough – too little?
It is not therapist Vibeke Dyhrcrones view. Her clients often struggle a very long time to save their relationship. Stine Zinc also does not think we were struggling a little to save our relationship, but we are fighting the wrong way.
– We are too good to see what the partner could do, rather than bringing ourselves on the pitch. We talk too much with friends and not the partner in how we basically have it. Often, we think we have said it, but when it comes down to it, we have not expressed ourselves clearly and made sure that the partner has understood so, we feel even more alone. We fight, but often not with the partner, says Stine Zinc.
If you find that there is mutual respect and friendship, and also can get everyday to work, you have a good foundation to work on. Stine Zinc’s experiences that love, infatuation and sexual energy quickly drown in the many everyday tasks.
We are often deaf to what the other is really saying – especially when we have been together as a couple for many years. We are so used to each other’s roles, to do things in a a certain way, that it can be difficult to change. If we begin to behave differently, the partner might not discover that, because he’s so used to the person we are – use to be. It can feel very limiting when the partner constantly thinks he knows what we will say and do.
It is typically the woman who goes a very long way to “satisfy” within the relationship, before she says anything. The trust and love for your partner may become so small that it can be hard for her to be in the relationship. If you need to find out if there is something to build on, or whether you want a divorce, the first step is to talk to one’s partner.
– It is important that you do not go alone with these thoughts and feelings, involve your partner. Voice your desires and perhaps sorrow over not feel lively in the relationship. One can thus throw the ball up in the air to a more immersive relation, be more open to each other and talk about what the relationship does to one emotionally. The trick is to listen to each other without accusing one another, says Vibeke Dyhrcrone.
Stine Zinc recommend that you practice it by talking in a predetermined number of minutes each, where the other not interrupt. You should repeat what you have heard the other say, to avoid misunderstandings and ensure that you have listened to each other. She also believes it is important to try to be more curious about his partner.
– Every time you think your husband is an idiot, find your curiosity and examine what can get him to react like that. It can bring you closer when you ask about him instead of rejecting him, says Stine Zinc.
To find out if there is something to build on in your relationship, it is important to know something about how we function as a couple. Many people think of divorce, because they disagree on child upbringing, economics, practical tasks and so on. If we just agree on some of the areas we have something to build on, you might think when you read this. But it is not that simple, according to Vibeke Dyhrcrone.
– If there is basically an emotional imbalance, it can be very indistinct for the couple, what is really happening. Then they argue about children, economics and so on and believe it is their problem. Within emotion focused therapy talk about that it, is the degree of the couple’s emotional attachment, which is crucial if there is something to build on. Disagreements about, for example, economics is often an expression of some deeper, says Vibeke Dyhrcrone.
– Many women feel, that they have tried to shout their man up for years without anything happening. The woman blames perhaps the man never to take responsibility, he never has, and so on. The man might react to withdraw and become silent. The behavior only makes her attack, and the man often react with to make themselves even more inaccessible. If you examine what is really going on between them, you may want to find that the woman does not feel seen by her husband and is in doubt whether she is at all valuable to him. She does not feel he shows her interest, and she is unsure whether he is there for her. She is not expressed those feelings of feeling unloved and taken for granted, but instead shows the anger, as we often do when we unconsciously try to protect the vulnerable in ourselves. The man only experience anger and reproach, and it makes him feel inadequate. He thinks he’d better stay away when he fails to make her happy and satisfied. It makes the woman feel even more insecure and left to itself: A vicious circle is started. Often understands the couple not these underlying feelings that are in play, and therefore they do not get taken care of them and each other.
– Considering divorce – it’s a good idea first to examine what it is the deeper feelings that provides fuel to the discontent, anger and frustration.
What kind of needs you on a deeper level, not are being met? And what is it I wonder who is behind the partner’s hurtful behavior? This is where you may need a therapist, says Vibeke Dyhrcrone.
When we are unhappy in our relationship, we often think, all the good things in life are outside of the relationship. We do not think that we are going to stand alone with all responsibility, if we divorce, we can become lonely and so on.
– It’s not always better to get a divorce – even if you find mr. right – the perfect man, because you are emotionally unfulfilled in it, you will more than likely be the same in a new relationship.
It is important to give the current relationship all your the attention and understand – it may mean that you not only avoid being divorced, but is getting closer to each other and strengthen the link, says Vibeke Dyhrcrone.
– Getting divorced is a life upheaval that affects you in all areas of life: The relationship with your children, circle of friends, family, your status, finances – even your self-perception changed. You lose a life witness; a partner who has followed you through life and who knows details that no one else knows. One can not imagine life after a divorce before you have tried it. It requires hard work to countries well.
How far should I stretch myself?
There is something to build on, if there is willingness on both sides to listen to each other and find out what is going on in the other. You both have to be willing to be honest on a deeper emotional level.
There is, however, not so much to build on, if there has been widespread damage to confidence, which are difficult to deal with, such as repeatedly with infidelity, abuse, violence. There is not so much to build on, if as few stops that interest you for each other. Here is the love being degraded. In addition, it is very damaging to the relationship, if one of you do not realize that it is a common problem when the other is experiencing a problem in the relationship. The same applies if your partner does not want to admit that he has hurt you, so you do not get his understanding, empathy and consolation. It leaves deep wounds in your attachment.
Sometimes we have to go because we have lost ourselves in the relationship.
– If you stretch too far, you may end up feeling washed out as a person. You do not know who you are longer and have a feeling that if you do not then you destroyed. You also need to go if you feel repulsed by your partner, seeing him as boundless and manipulative, says Vibeke Dyhrcrone.